For it is Christmas dinner,

The family are in good spirits

Turkey and wine are among the many things to have

Pigs in blankets!

Do you ever wonder if the sausage and bacon are from the same pig?

It’s time for crackers!

For the humourless jokes,

Tiny packs of cards and the paper crowns that tear when you unfold them

I’ll pretend that I’m having fun when my shitty paper hat slides down every time I open my mouth to insert the Brussel sprouts

Gravy!

There’s plenty for one

The shallow gravy boat is never enough

Oh, the crackers that were once an idea of fun now lay torn,

The shoehorns, paper clips and fortune teller fish -

You are not jealous, what have you got to be jealous of? Your grandad's un-torn paper hat?

Christmas is crackers!